thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
