Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
