1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Randomize
