I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
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