So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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