remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
