I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
