ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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