She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Randomize
