Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
