chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
