halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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