Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
