My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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