You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
