The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
