I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
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