I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
