Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
