Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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