ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
