So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
