did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Randomize
