thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
