Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
so much tequila, so little girl.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
