Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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