Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
