The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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