I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
