Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
