If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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