Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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