Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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