my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
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