I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
