Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
