Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
