I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
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