I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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