Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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