Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Randomize
