they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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