I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
