well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
