he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
