A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
The convent might be a nice break from real life
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
