JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
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