Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
