that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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