i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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