So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
