i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Girls should come with a carfax report
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
