I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
we're so committed to being not committed
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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