she looked like the bat from fern gully.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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