Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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