Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
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