We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
