I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
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