Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
