So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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