Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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