I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
