i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
