shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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