I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
