i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
