I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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